1.  My relationships with my family.  So many people do not or cannot spend time with their families, talk to them about things that are important, or just lo0k to them for support.  I have all that and more with mine.  They can drive me crazy at times, but they are pretty amazing (and my parents will occasionally surprise me by driving the hour and a half to my house and mowing my lawn – just because.  Seriously?  How many parents do that?).  And let’s not forget about my incredibly amazing nephew, who I love more than anything in the world.

2.  My friends, both old and new.  The students I have connected with, the old high school friends I have reestablished relationships with, and my law school friends, who probably  know me better than anyone.  And especially my travel buddy, Aaron, who drives me insane but always listens to me and usually gives somewhat reasonable advice.  Love you (even though you just made a really insulting comment about 45 year olds smelling like old people)!  I am blessed to have friends who I can talk as if no time had passed after months or even years of silence.  And the fact that I can call my sister a friend is probably the best blessing of all.

3.  My job.  I love that I can work with students all day.  And my coworkers are overall pretty great, even if we do butt heads every now and then.  The frustrations of this job can’t compare to the joy of not billing hours, getting paid to talk to people and help them, and actually have FOUR weeks of vacation every year.  And a week+ off at Christmas.  And getting to come up with programming themes and office brands and business plans.  So what if I don’t make that much money anymore!

4.  My house.  I have a wonderful place to live and a mortgage that I can afford.  I especially appreciate my home after seeing all the damage done in the south/midwest in the last week and after hearing about/witnessing the foreclosure crisis.  I need to remember this blessing when I complain about mowing my lawn or shoveling my driveway.

5.   My therapist.  She’s amazing.  Nothing more needs to be said.  Thank you.

So those are my first 5 things of gratitude.  There are so many little things that I could have added but I thought I needed to get the biggies out of the way first.

Apparently I need to regain control and balance my brain systems. What does this mean, you ask? Well, it appears that I need to treat any prefrontal cortex problems I may have (not sure how I’m supposed to do that – perhaps next chapter?), get more sleep, maintain a healthy blood sugar level by eating frequent smaller meals (does all day grazing count? how do these licorice sticks I’m eating right now factor in?), exercise to boost blood flow to the brain, practice meditation, and create focused, written goals. All of the above suggestions seem like good ones, albeit not particularly novel to anyone who has read anything about health or weight loss. But the book actually sets out a suggested format for considering my goals. I thought I could put them on here – it’s a good way to start posting again and I can’t “lose” the paper later and “forget” my goals. Hence, what follows is what the author describes as my One-Page Miracle (although mine is much longer than one page).

The theory behind setting goals appears to be that our relationships, career, and family situation – and any resulting stress they can cause – can affect your body and your willpower. (Aside: I really don’t like the concept of “willpower”, because it means that we somehow have to have this tight grip on our control and must deny ourselves things we really want, and if we don’t do so we have failed and are weak people. I would rather focus on figuring out what I actually want and go out and get it. The concept of “willpower” seems so….self-shaming. But whatever. Maybe I’ll do a separate post on why I dislike the concept of “willpower”.) When you are focused on what you want, it makes it much easier to match your behavior to make it happen.  I think I should say that again, just so that I don’t forget it.  When you are focused on what you want, it makes it much easier to match your behavior to make it happen.

Since I frequently find myself acting in ways contrary to my long-term goals, I think this exercise is particularly important for me to complete.

MY ONE PAGE MIRACLE
What Do I Want for My Life?

RELATIONSHIPS

Spouse/Significant Other:  I am single, but trying to date more – and to do so with an open mind.  Ultimately, I would like to get married and maybe have a kid or two.  Before I get to that point, I should probably consider what type of person I am looking for.  I want someone I can have interesting conversations with and who asks me as many questions as I ask him – I don’t just want to be a listener/therapist.  He has to be able to make me laugh, as much as he can make me want to open up to him about things that matter to me.   There must be chemistry/passion.  I want someone I can be proud to bring around my friends and family.  He should be someone who is generally a happy person, who wants to have adventures and is willing to take the lead to make them happen.  I do not want to be the strongest person in the relationship.  I also want someone who is Christian or at least willing to keep an open mind about it and learn about it with me.  It would be awesome if he had excellent grammar, but I’m trying not to be so anal retentive about that as long as he’s smart in other ways.  In sum:  I will avoid the low hanging fruit.

Family:  I want to continue to have a strong relationship with my parents – including spending time with them and having great conversations with them.  I need to check in with them more often, even if it is just a short phone call.  I want to be a huge presence in my nephew’s life, to become even better friends with my sister, and make sure my brother-in-law is comfortable and enjoys himself with our family.

Friends:  I want to do a better job of staying in touch with my friends – and that means more than just facebook communications.  I need to make sure I am a good listener, and not just a “fixer” of problems. I need to work to develop better relationships with those people who I really enjoy but don’t always make an effort to go out with.  I need to force myself out of my comfort zone to develop new friendships.  I also need to become comfortable to share with my friends as much as I listen to them.  I cannot expect everyone to draw out stories from me – I need to offer them up.  And if there are friendships that have become one-sided or unhealthy, I need to have the strength to address the issue and/or let the friendship go.

WORK

I want to be the absolute best at work, continuing to learn new things and push to make my working environment better.  I want to maintain control of my office and my schedule, and to keep focused on the task at hand.  I need to avoid procrastination.  I want to look for ways to remain excited about my position, and to stay positive even in the face of other people’s negativity.  I want to always keep perspective on the value of having a job I love even though it is not a job that pays as much money.  I will obtain my masters in counseling degree both because I really enjoy learning and because it has the potential to improve my career opportunities.  I want to find ways to keep my mind sharp, and not to get frustrated by a perceived lack of respect for what I do.  I will try to really decide if I want to abandon law altogether or get back in before it is too late.  Whatever I decide to do, I want to make peace with my decision instead of constantly second-guessing and looking for something new.

MONEY

I want to be a good steward of my money.  I need to create a budget and actually stick to it, and learn to delay purchases until I am sure I actually need it, rather than simply want it.  I will restart my offerings to my church, and do my best to contribute to charities that are important to me.  I will work to eliminate all credit card debt, increase my retirement contributions through my work, and not tap into my savings account.

HEALTH

Weight:  I want to let my body tell me when I am giving it what it needs to be happy and satisfied and running in top shape rather than by judging my self-worth by the number on a scale.

Fitness:  I will start to incorporate regular movement into my day, but will not set unrealistic goals for myself.  Instead, I will look for things to do that make me happy and make my body feel good.  I want to view “fitness” as a way to lift my spirits and my energy level, rather than as a chore that needs to be accomplished to make me thinner.

Nutrition:  I want to increase the amount of fruits and vegetables I eat, and reduce the amount of junk.  I will start eating a healthy breakfast before I leave for work in the morning, and plan snacks and pack a lunch that will be something I enjoy.  I will not count calories, points, or fat grams.  I will let my body’s intuition be my guide every day, and will not beat myself up if I decide to eat something that others might think is unhealthy.  I will keep a big picture view of eating, where I focus on a lifetime, rather than a moment.

Physical Health:  I will get an annual checkup and keep an eye on my blood sugar and blood pressure to ensure that they remain within a healthy range.

Emotional Health:  I will continue to work on my emotional eating issues both on my own and with my therapist.  I will eat when I am hungry, not when I am sad, angry, stressed, happy, or feeling rebellious – although if I do I will not beat myself up about it.   I will remember that I am a strong person and a person worthy of healthy relationships.  I will try out meditation as a relaxation technique to reduce stress in my life, and will focus on prayer and getting back into the bible to bring a sense of peace back into my life and a focus on what is actually important.

But instead of deleting those old posts, I’m going to leave them there as a reminder of where I was at before I started really working on my self-esteem, body image, self-love and eating issues.  The last post mentioned a new therapist that someone had recommended to me.  My work with her since that point has made a dramatic impact on my life – leading me to healthier thought processes and better evaluations of my self and those with whom I surround myself.

I don’t think that I’m at a point where I want to put what I am working on in writing on this blog.  I thought I did but I started to feel some anxiety and old patterns emerge as I sat down to type.  So I’m tabling this blog for now.  I may return now and then with updates or I might decide that I really can discuss the things I am working on every week. 

I feel incredibly blessed at this point in my life, not because things are necessarily going more smoothly, but because I’m starting to really, honestly think about me – my wants, desires, and needs.  And using that as my starting point in making decisions and assessing my relationships. 

2011 is going to be a good year for me mentally.  That’s not a new year’s resolution.  It’s just a fact.  And that makes me happy.

In any case, I have to say, I missed working on this blog, even though no one else is reading it.  Maybe it’s the thought that someone might read it that I find so intriuging.   I obviously didn’t keep my goal of journaling every day, but I plan to just pick up where I left off.  One of the things I need to work on is not giving up on a goal if I don’t follow it perfectly!

So…more later on what’s been going on.  Like, for instance, a great date and the completion of an awesome book!  Now I’m off to pack and get some sleep before I leave for my conference tomorrow.  My next entry will be from Orlando!

******

Okay, I had to step away after that last realization.  That really did throw me for a loop – just seeing that number.  But I’ve regrouped now.  As overwhelming as it may be to think of how much weight I need to lose to be at a healthy state, I need to focus on taking things slow and setting small goals – even in those baby steps mean that it will take me a long time to get where I need to be.  Watching the Biggest Loser finale tonight, I was on one hand amazed and envious of the weight loss and how quickly they were able to do it.  But I also had a thought that I really don’t want to lose that fast, because I am so afraid that the efforts required to achieve such drastic results would be unsustainable in the long run.  So I’ll go slow.  I’ll work on my binge eating issues (thanks Kathy for the referral to what seems like an awesome therapist/ED center).  I will try not to hate myself or let those “70 pound” moments set me back.  I want to be healthy – mind, body and spirit.  That has to be my end goal.  I will not let my weight hold me back from doing something I want to do – whether out of fear or out of shame.  I will Run While Chunky if I want to.  And right now that doesn’t seem like such a bad idea.  Now I just need to get a REALLY good sports bra so the girls won’t think it’s a bad idea either!

Then yesterday was an all-day Lost extraveganza!  I caught up on all the episodes from the season that I had DVR’d, in preparation for the final 4 hour season finale last night.  So basically yesterday was an all-tv day.  So horrifying, really.  I mean, I had intended to step away from the tv and mow the law, get groceries, all that other stuff normal people do to survive.  But I just couldn’t get moving.  It didn’t help that it was that time of the month – and a particularly painful one this time.  See…I can find an excuse for everything. 

But I’m back in the journaling saddle tonight.  Watched the 24 season finale  (bye Jack, <sob>) and ate some pizza (whoops) but before all that I forced myself to go out and finally get my lawn mowed.  It looks great and I get the added bonus of not having lawn-guilt hanging over my head for a few days. 

All that being said, I have come to the conclusion that I watch way too much tv.  Not that I haven’t realized this before, but I’m to the point where I realize something needs to be done about it.  Thankfully, summer makes that a bit easier, as seasons come to an end.  But now networks are getting smart and putting new shows on in the summer.  So my intention is to, first of all, not replace Lost and 24 with two new shows.  In other words, I am not adding anything new to my tv lineup.  If I haven’t already begun watching the show, I’m not starting now.  Second, I’m starting to cut shows out that I don’t really care about or just don’t need to be watching.  Like, for example, DVR’ing 2 hours of West Wing every day.  Ridiculous.  I’ve stopped that completely.  Of course, Bravo made that easier by jumping past several seasons to end up in the horrible last season with Jimmy Smitts.  Annoying.  But a blessing in cable-tv disguise.  I’m thinking Fringe might also get cut.  I LOVE Joshua Jackson, and I don’t want to do anything to take Pacy off the air, but it’s one of those shows that just piles up in the DVR.  That tells me I can cut it out without a feeling of loss.

Wow, this is really a horriffic post.  I’m embarrassed at how much TV I watch.  The DVR was the worst thing to happen to mankind.  Or at least to me.  But anyway, I’m trying to make headway.  Baby steps.  I mean, I am definitely not cutting out Greys or Private Practice or Bones or Top Chef or Criminal Minds or Biggest Loser or House.  As you can see, I’ll still have plenty of tv to watch!

I think this is yet another positive baby step towards making myself healthier!

But I won’t be able to work out tomorrow night because I’ll be at CONAN’S COMEDY TOUR!!!!  I’m meeting my sister and brother in law at the ‘rents house – mom and dad will babysit my nephew while we’re at the show.  Then we’ll all spend the night.  How cozy!

Having fun plans for tomorrow makes up for a rather uneventful day.  But seriously, the Grey’s Anatomy finale was AMAZING!!

But not only is it entertaining, it also reminded me of my own tendencies to set forth lofty – and usually unrealistic - goals or timetables.  While I don’t know the end of the story yet, I’m guessing that the author didn’t finish his qwest any more than I did mine.  But we’ll see.  It’s comforting to read about other people’s ridiculous goals.  I actually hope he completes his task (reading the entire Encyclopedia Brittanica); that would be inspiring!

Of course now I’m working on less lofty goals, right?  I completed another day of meeting Fast Break goals 1 & 2.  Went for a 30 minute walk around the neighborhood tonight.  Of course I didn’t leave until around 9:30.  I just HAD to watch my DVR’d episodes of 24 and House first – and then read the first chapter of my new book.  I’m actually really proud of myself that I got my butt going and went for a walk after having gotten settled in so much.  It seems ridiculous, but the stupid fast break streaks actually motivate me.  I keep telling myself that all I have to do is 1o minutes in order to keep the streak going.  Usually I do more than that, but it’s easier to get moving knowing that I can stop after 1o minutes if I want to. 

I will say, I’m glad I started with only two goals.  Had I tacked on a third one already I might have tossed in the towel completely (like I have in the past).  The no pop thing is going to be a killer.  I may have to rethink that one!

Wow, I’m beat.  This is a pretty boring post, but I guess since I’m the only one reading it it doesn’t really matter!  I kind of like that!  Before I head off to bed I will end with my favorite quote so far from the book:

I used to be smart.  Back in highschool and college, I was actually considered somewhat cerebral.  I brought D. H. Lawrence novels on vacations, earnestly debated the fundamentals of Marxism, peppered my conversation with words like “albeit.”  I knew my stuff.  Then in the years since graduating college, I began a long, slow slide into dumbness.  At age 35 I’ve become embarrassingly ignorant.  If things continue at this rate, by my fortieth birthday, I’ll be spending my days watching Wheel of Fortune and drooling into a bucket.

Okay, good night!  I’m going to read a bit, and then fall asleep to the dulcet sounds of Arnold Schwarzenegger and Tom Arnold in True Lies (and oldie but goodie).  Maybe this is why I’m getting dumber….

Now to the bad.  My dad insisted on coming to my house today while I was at work to try to replace my kitchen faucet, which has been leaking.  I was very skeptical of this, and would have preferred that he just leave it alone.  In fact, I had been dodging his efforts to “help” for quite a while.  In the meantime, I had worked out a system to prevent leakage issues and I was afraid meddling with it would make it worse or create a new problem.  My fears were confirmed.  Upon arriving home tonight I discovered that not only is my sink still leaking, but it is difficult getting the faucet to turn off at all, requiring me to carefully look for that one magic placement (not quite up, not quite down, a little to the left, or was it right…) to make the water stop completely without dripping.  I am incredibly frustrated, because I know my dad was just trying to help, but it is so much worse now!!!  Argh!!!!  I don’t want to have to get a plumber but now I might not have any choice.   I need to learn how to say “no” when I don’t actually want help.  I just can’t stand to hurt their feelings.

The other bad thing:  I just managed to knock my diet coke off the nightstand and spill pop all over my bedroom floor.  This is bad for two reasons.  First, I now have a mess.  Second, and most importantly, it was the only diet coke I had in the house and I was savoring it.  Now, not so much. 

Which brings me to my one confession of the day.  I am supposed to have 3 Fast Break goals this week.  I had chosen “no pop” as my third goal, thinking that even though I drink caffeine-free diet pop, it would still be better not to put that into my body.  Because I’m quite the diet coke/pepsi junkie.  I haven’t been able to cut it out so far, but I have cut back on how much I’m drinking.  I just get so much pleasure from pop, and if I don’t drink it I find myself looking for something to eat.  It’s ridiculous, I know.  And I will get to this 3rd goal.  But this week I’m working on the first two.  That seems like a fair start to me!!

Okay, it’s well passed my planned bedtime, a rerun of Criminal Minds is on in the background, and I really would like to finish the next chapter in Commencement.  So it’s time to wrap this up.  Goodnight!